To my little one on his birthday

Dear Noah,

Today you are a year old, it’s hard to believe I know. Last night as I was thinking about your birthday I thought about all the things I worried about before you arrived. Like if I would love you as much as I love your big sister? If I could be a good mom to both of you? How would I find time to feed and dress and carve out time individually for you both? Today looking back on those thoughts I realize how very serious they were and how silly they are.

I love you just as much as I love your sister, but in a completely different way. I love you because you are you. A friend once told me not to worry, that there doesn’t have to be enough room in my heart to love you both, because when you were born I would grow a whole new heart and love you just as much, with my entire heart. She was right, I grew a second heart on November 19, 2007.

I’ve also learned to become a completely different mother with you. While Meredith may have been my first and the one I tried the hardest to get things right with. You were the one I feel like I got it right with. And no not everything I have done with you is right, but at the same time I don’t fear that it is so wrong either. I am a more relaxed mom with you and I think you are a better child for it. You have taught me to use my instincts more and learn from you and take cues from you and not books. You have showed me how to be a mom and how to be a mom of 2 tikes under 2. You were my inspiration for this blog.

A year ago today, I was in a recovery room begging your dad not make me have the dreaded c-section. Yes, you were a section baby, we can thank your sister for that one. I was begging and pleading for him to talk to the doctor about a VBAC or at least just let me go home. His answer was calm and rational and reassuring, we ( you and I) would be fine. And we were.

I remember when they pulled you out, you didn’t scream immediately and I worried, gosh did I worry. In the 3.2 seconds it took you to scream, my world stopped and it all came to a crashing halt. I needed you to scream and you did and then the world was right. I was so happy you were here, so happy you were safe, so thankful and so very blessed. Not very long after you were born, they whisked you away to the nursery with your dad. I was so jealous that your dad got to leave with you and be with you and to show you off, after all I was the one that carried you around for 9 months, I wanted to be the one to go with you. I didn’t want you very far away from me at all.

It seemed like forever before I got to hold you. Back in the recovery room I was very agitated it took them so long to bring you to me. I told your dad to go and get you and I didn’t care what they said, just bring you to me. Please understand I was pretty heavily medicated and what seemed like hours were actually only minutes. I missed you. The nurse finally brought you around and I got to hold you for the first time. You were so sweet and I was instantly in love, head over heels. In that instant I knew that the c-section and the worry that went with it was all worth it.

You were a piece of work though, when you were born you were just as active outside the womb as you were inside and that activity has never stopped. At night when I was pregnant I would feel you kick all through the night and you would actually wake me up out of deep sleeps. The first several weeks of your life you were the same way, I wasn‘t sure I would make it. On the night you were born, you were in your hospital bassinet asleep and your dad and I tried to get some sleep to and in the next instant you were screaming you little head off. Your dad held you the whole night pacing the room. When I asked him why he didn’t at least sit down and rock you he said he was afraid he would fall asleep and drop you if he sat down. You had us wrapped around your finger from day one and still do.

Your activity has not decreased at all, but you are sleeping through the night so I guess we‘ll keep you. You are always in motion and always smiling. You have such a great disposition I hope it stays with you forever.

Noah it seems like just yesterday you joined our family, but at the same time it feels like you have been a part of it forever. Happy birthday little man, I love you so much.

Love,
Mom